i think i have herpe
just one?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
