cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
