my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
