My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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