Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
