I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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