im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
