i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
