he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
