I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
