I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We are all done wearing pants today
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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