so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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