i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
