Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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