While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
