margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
