She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
3 2 1 whiskey
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
