I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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