I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
