I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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