He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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