Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
