new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
