U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
