Your mouth is God's brothel.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
