Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
