Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
