so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
