i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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