my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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