Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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