the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
i believe in u and ur pee
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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