Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
