his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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