sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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