Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
