If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
