8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
