I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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