i just wanna soil my oats bro
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
