Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
