thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I will be naked everywhere
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
