I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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