if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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