her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I party with great urgency now.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
