No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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