I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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