My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
