I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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