He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
