two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So much Jack, so little girl.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
