turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
